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| My boyfriend isn't very sentimental or romantic. He usually has a hard time opening up and expressing his feelings. He isn't even real big on holding hands or being all PDA when we're out in about. He shows his affection in other ways, such as putting a lot of thought and effort into making me something for a holiday gift. Or, sending me encouraging texts when he knows I'm having a rough day.
But, I still love him, even though I am an affectionate person. After "kind-of dating" for eight months, and then "officially dating" for seven months, I decided to bite the bullet and tell him exactly how I felt about him. Yes, after thinking long and hard about it, I finally decided to tell him "I love you". We recently took a road trip to Florida to attend his friend's wedding. On our way back to Ohio, we stopped in Georgia and stayed at a hotel for the night. After having some late-night-extracurricular-activities, we settled down and got ready to go to bed. I decided that this was it. This was my big moment.
Suddenly, I started to get really shy. I just kept going, "Hey...Hey..." and did some weird thing where I would poke him and giggle and turn my head away. Yeah, I get weird like that when I'm nervous. Romantic, right? But he knew something was up. I was just so scared of actually saying it out loud, you know? I knew he had trouble with mushy stuff like this; how would he react? So finally, like a volcanic eruption of word vomit, I blurted out those three words. His reaction?
He got tense and nervous and replied with...
"I know."
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I got Han Solo'ed.
Well, it all went downhill after that. I, unfortunately, got really emotional (I mean, I did put my heart on my sleeve for a minute there and didn't get anything in return). And we had a loooong talk about it. He didn't want to say it because he just didn't feel comfortable saying it. He didn't grow up with an affectionate family, and hasn't had a serious relationship like this. He just isn't used to all this mushy stuff. He said, "It just sounds weird when I say it". But he made sure to tell me how much he cared about me. And even though he just can't say it, he still feels it.
I eventually let it slide for the time being, mostly because it was getting late, I was exhausted, and I didn't want to fight. But it still bothers me. It just seems like he's making an excuse to not say it. I would never force him into saying or doing anything that he felt uncomfortable about doing, though. And now I'm just kinda waiting for the day when he finally tells me how he feels.
Or am I just overreacting?
Have you ever had an "I love you" situation go horribly wrong?
Or, do you think the whole, "I love you" situation is a little overrated and not worth the nervousness and anxiety that comes along with saying it for the first time?
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| My last post made it to datingish :)
Go here: http://www.datingish.com/754845806/losing-my-virginity-expectations-vs-reality/
To view the lovely comments and experiences that others are sharing.
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| A little background information before I dive into the main point of this blog entry:
My boyfriend and I have been "kinda dating" for a year. Which means we were friends with benefits, basically. We were kinda dating but weren't fully committed. We have been "officially dating" for four months. He lives back in my hometown while I go to college that is three hours away. I visit home a couple times every month and we work hard to maintain our relationship. But that's another post for another day.
We were both virgins and we both had little sexual experience. I had had boyfriends in the past, but I never got past having them grab my ass and a little dry humping. Over the course of our relationship, my boyfriend and I experienced a lot of firsts with each other. He was the first one to finger me and give me oral. I was the first one to give him a hand job and blow job.
Last week, we started talking about sex. It's something that we both like to talk about despite our lack of experience. But nonetheless, the subject came up and I told him that I wouldn't mind losing my virginity to him. He expressed the same feelings and we decided then that we would have sex for the first time. We didn't set a date, but we knew it would happen soon.
I decided to visit home for labor day weekend since I didn't have class on Monday (today). We had a nice little reunion on Saturday and I spent the night at his house (something I love doing) but we didn't mention sex.
Sunday came around and I went to his house. Sex had been on my mind all week and I was feeling anxious. We started getting heavy when I couldn't take it any longer.
"I want it, but..." I started to say.
'But, what?' You're thinking to yourself. Well, I had all of these expectations on my first time and I was apprehensive that they wouldn't pan out. I think we all have these certain expectations of what will happen during our first time. Rose petals trails leading to the bed, immersed with candlelight. Something steamy and passionate rolling underneath the sheets. Romantic and sweet words whispered in your lover's ear as you reach your climatic ending...
My Expectations:
Now, I wasn't expecting some romance novel come to life or anything cheesy like that. I knew that I wasn't going to orgasm my first time because I had heard that most women didn't. I knew there was going to be some pain, and I knew there was going to be some awkwardness. That couldn't be avoided.
But I was expecting us to be getting intimate on his bed, skin grazing against skin, hummingbird heartbeats, and steamy breath while we swam through the oceans of his sheets. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I only wanted to be with him. That I trusted him and cared about him and I wanted nothing more than to give myself to him. I wanted him to tell me he loved me and that I was the only girl in the world for him. That his world became that much brighter and better ever since I came into his life.
And I wanted to spend the night afterwards. I knew that I would want to stay there with him throughout the night after having such a close and intimate experience with each other. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his beautiful and comforting smile in the morning.
The Reality: For starters, I didn't get to spend the night. This was something that I really wanted. But, my parents were driving me back to school the next morning and he had to get up early to visit a friend of his out of town. This was happening at around midnight. Spending the night just wasn't a smart option. And I told him this. And he was extremely patient; never once pressuring me to do something I didn't want to do. He was fine with either way; of either waiting or doing it then. He wanted me to make the decision because it was so important to me and we wanted to make sure I was ready.
But, I knew that I wouldn't be able to wait any longer. I had been thinking about it for quite some time. Thoughts about it just amplified when we had confirmed our plans. I knew it was going to drive me crazy until the next time I saw him.
So I told him I was ready.
We had to wait for his parents to go to bed. Yes, he is 25 years old and lives in his parents' basement. I love him anyway.
But once they did go to bed, we went to his bedroom, picking out the right condom beforehand.
We started getting heavy, doing our thing. He asks once more if I was sure. And I told him yes.
And it was awkward. We both had no idea what we were doing. He kept slipping out of me and he kept losing his erection because he was getting a little frustrated. We had to stop a couple of times so he could get hard again and so we could figure out just where everything went.
And it hurt. It hurt a lot at first. At one point, I was just thinking, 'Okay, I don't even want to do this anymore. I can stay a virgin forever, right? Ow.'
But he was patient and gentle. He constantly made sure I was comfortable and that I wasn't in too much pain. And after getting used to the pain, it started to even feel okay. Maybe even a little bit enjoyable. Despite the awkwardness.
And even though I tried and tried to say, "I love you", the words just would not come out of my mouth. I was feeling scared. What would he say back? I mean, he obviously loves me at least a little bit, otherwise he wouldn't be giving himself to me, right? And yet, I just could not say it. So I was a little disappointed in me for that as well.
But despite facing the harsh reality of first-time sex, I am glad it happened. And I'm glad it happened with him. Because despite how awkward and painful and anti-climatic it was, I still love him and I love being able to share that experience with him.
Plus, this means we can practice more and more until we get it right ;)
Do/did you have any expectations on losing your virginity? Did losing your virginity go the way you wanted it to?
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| Wowzers, I haven't been on this site in forever. I kinda feel like writing/blogging again so maybe I'll be using this site more often.
Note to self
Future ideas for blog entries:
Losing my virginity (Will probably write next)
College and how it sucks
Long distance relationships
Being a theatre major
Rants
So, for those of you who are still keeping up with this blog, IE people who followed me when I was doing surveys (toetally_surveysx3), I will probably be updating in an hour or so.
The next blog entry will be about how I lost my virginity this weekend.
So if you're kinda friends with me, and you don't want to read this TMI post, I suggest not reading it. Because it will be getting personal. I just wanted to get some things off of my chest and I don't really have any friends who I can be completely honest about sex with.
OKAY
SO
HERE WE GO! | | |
| A list of things that have happened since my last update:
1. Last month, I went to New York City for a whole weekend. It was amazing. We even saw Mamma Mia on Broadway; which was fantastic! I want to live there someday. I want to be able to see a Broadway show whenever I felt like it.
2. I will not go into details, mainly because I am in a good mood and don't feel like bringing that down. Maybe some other time I will write more about this. Anyway, my grandmother passed away at the beginning of May due to lung cancer. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 and was in the hospital for only 2 weeks before she passed. My family and I were there when it happened.
3. Due to this, we got my grandpa a dog. We just got her today. Her name is Winnie and she is a Terrier and Chiuaua mix. She's adorable.
4. I have been accepted into Bowling Green University and will FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PLACE! I move in on August 20th. Only 11 weeks, 6 days, 9 hours, and 51 seconds to go. I am excited and nervous.
5. I am in the chorus of a local production of All Shook Up, a musical based on Elvis songs. I don't know how much I will actually get to do. The producer and director are extremely disorganized. We've only had 2 rehearsals. Next rehearsal is this Sunday. I just really hope I will get to do a lot and really be involved.
6. Last night on the Late Late Show, Craig Ferguson read my Tweet! I had a friggin heartattack. I STILL can't believe it happened. He pronounced my name wrong though. Oh well, it doesn't matter much. The point is, HE READ MY TWEET! I was soo happy last night. I couldn't get to sleep. Instead, I danced around my room like a maniac to some kickass showtunes. I will probably do this again tonight as I have been unusually happy lately.
And that pretty much sums it all up.
Catch ya later. 
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